Jun 24

I’m never sick. Very, very rarely. I get the odd cold, I always seem to be bothered with my throat when I go back home, but in general, I’m usually fit as a fiddle and hunky-dory. I delight in making fun of my wife’s health troubles and blaming it on her, “weak American genes.” Until this week I had not been to my doctor in more than three years.

I should confess though there is another reason for that. When my book first came out, I went to LA to do a TV show and got bitten by a spider (not in the studio, at my friend’s house). When I came back I had aches, chills, all that good stuff, and I went to my doctor.

Whilst there I told him that I had mentioned him in my book, and he said he would buy a copy. Later that day I checked, and I had of course edited him out of it. I was so embarrassed I haven’t been able to face going back since. I even get free flu shots from him, but I pay the cash to go elsewhere every year just because I feel bad. So you can guess how much pain I was in this week when I finally caved in and made an appointment.

Just as well I did, because it turns out that I have kidney stones, a hernia, and some sort of infection / virus that could be Mono. Fantastic. I’m never ill, and now I’m sick just a few days before I’m due to travel to California. Simply wonderful timing.

After thinking I was close to death on Wednesday, I’ve got better every day and I’m hoping I’ll be fine by the middle of next week when I’m supposed to fly. My daughter, five in a few weeks, will otherwise no doubt have a hard time understanding why she is going to the hospital with me instead of Disneyland. And I’ve a ticket for Van Halen in 48 hours and I’ve waited 28 years to see them since their appearance at Castle Donington in 1984. I’ve a big week planned!

So hopefully my big strong American genes will arrive late and kick this thing’s butt. Just like World War II. I don’t want to be miserable in the Happiest Place on Earth now, do I…

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